As we hit the height of snowball-fight season, it seems fitting to remember the roots of the sport. Here are the official rules of Iced-Orb Combat from the 1832 Guide to Childish Warfare for Robust Young Boys and Toublesome Ladychildren:
- The Captains Courageous of the opposing child army shall meet on the field of glory prior to the start of hostilities. Any prisoners taken during the previous month’s skirmish are to be released from their Snow Dungeons and allowed to rejoin their apple-cheeked compatriots.
- Any child stricken with asthma is to be rooted out by a set of 10 wind-sprints and sent home to practice his scrimshaw.
- Should the town’s richest gentleman be present, it is his honor to signal the Beginning of Atrocities by hitting a horse with his cane. If there is no horse, any adult over the age of 14 will do.
- Inflicting a displaced eyeball upon one’s enemy is grounds for a team’s instant victory and legal precedent for the attacker to receive a Child’s Knighthood at the next Town Ceremony.
- Should there be no clear victor before the lamps are lit, it is upon each side to tally the nosebleeds among their ranks as the other side’s score. In the case of a tie, whichsoever team has the most stepchildren is the losing party.